Thin Red Line

Is it a bad sign that I can't wait to wake up tomorrow because at 8AM I can go get some Xanax?

I am losing it. And I am surprised.

I recognize that I have not dealt with some of the crushing losses others have dealt with. But I have had pain. My parents divorced, my dad remarried, I wanted them to reunite until well until my 20s, though I never admitted it. I almost married a man who made me feel small, then beat me badly. I almost went back to him. I fell in love again, I got a divorce, I lost a stepsister I loved to drugs and depression. I have watched my brother, who I love as much as my breath, suffer many blows, lost grandparents I adored and nearly lost my mother, twice. I have done bankruptcy, been jilted, almost lost the love of my life to drugs and the court system, endured pregnancy alone. So although I have escaped many tragedies, I have lived.

But I am losing it. I think it's the accident, and I can't put a finger on it. It doesn't help that I am working a job that tests me spiritually in a way I find hard to respect, butI do. It doesn't help that I often fail, and that I might get fired for it, and I have never been fired. More than the wages, I would miss the healthcare. I would miss Dr. Barville, who will talk to me on the phone and issue me Xanax because it is sensible to do so, because I am experiencing shortness of breath and tightness in my diaphragm and crying uncontrollably. I yelled at my daughter tonight, screamed at her, because she screamed at me. I went and hid in the car and only came out when I realized she was still screaming for mommy. What do you say? "I'm sorry, honey, mommy is a little overwhelmed right now, but Mommy loves you. I respect that you're upset, but perhaps you could express it in a way that is less confrontational." She looks at me and almost understands. "Please honey, I love you no matter what, but you can be upset with mommy without yelling at me." I don't know. You want the little critter to know you love her no matter what, and get to show her feelings, but you can only take so many tantrums. Or I can. God how I remember my parents laughing at me and how infuriated it would make me. Now sometimes I can't help it, Sam and I can't help it. The level of fury over not being to take a rattle into the bathtub strikes you as funny sometimes, when you are weighing major lawsuits, job losses and general paranoia.

And now my friend Liz has had a baby! Oh, the things I've said to Liz, who is a woman with a career, and love, and everything, and she will be fabulous, and tested to the extreme. And she better not find it easy or we won't be able to be friends. Oh, the love, and the torture. So much more than exquisite.

And I would pine on by Kaikea is asleep and Sex and the City is on and I need to nestle into this life right now. I did yoga tonight, the first time in 3 years, and it helped, for 50 minutes. Then I cried more and had wine. Which helped, for an hour. Now I have the Girls and Excedrin PM to see me through the end of the night. Tomorrow, woo-hoo, Xanax!